family | Tom Gentry

10 Tips for Families Facing Addiction

by Tom Gentry | Jun 18, 2025 | coaching, family, recovery

I’ve spent more than 25 years helping people and their families contend with addiction issues. These are some things I’ve found myself saying frequently and consistently.

1. The idea that the person has to “want to stop” is a myth.

At some point, a person must become internally motivated to change in order to achieve long-term recovery. That almost never happens before a person enters treatment. That’s’ why they need help. It’s the job of treatment professionals to help them understand why they should want recovery.

2. Treatment works.

We all hear stories of public figures going in and out of rehab. The way we see addiction treatment portrayed in popular culture breeds skepticism. But, a person who has cancer generally doesn’t get better if they don’t follow medical advice. The same applies to substance use disorders. When people don’t complete treatment, don’t follow treatment plans, or don’t follow aftercare plans, chances are they will relapse.

Like every other area of healthcare, quality of care varies. Treat your search for an addiction treatment facility the way you would if you were looking for a brain surgeon. Ask for help.

3. They all say “I can do it on my own.” It’s almost never true.

We all want to believe in the people we love. But, if they could do it on their own, they would have done it already.

4. Support the solution, not the problem.

As confusing as it can be to deal with a loved one who is suffering, or in early recovery, asking yourself this question can clarify a lot of quandaries. “Am I supporting the person, or am I supporting the addiction?” If you don’t know the answer, ask for help.

5. The longer you wait, the more difficult the problem can become.

It is unrealistic to think you can manage this on your own. Trying to do that can complicate things substantially. Even if it just means a phone call, speak to a professional. Don’t let your shame prevent you from getting the support your family needs.

6. Your loved one is in no position to make rational decisions.

When I hear a family member say something like “he doesn’t think he needs need that much,” it’s a red flag. When in the midst of an addictive process, it’s highly unlikely the person can understand what they need to do to heal.

7. You’re dealing with the addiction, not the person.

Because we are so emotionally involved with the person in crisis, it’s nearly impossible to be objective about what’s happening. As difficult as it may sound, try not to take it personally, and try not to judge them.

8. No one aspires to become an alcoholic or addict

Living in active addiction is profoundly painful. No matter how careless or indifferent your loved-one may seem, remember, they‘re lost and they’re hurting.

9. If a person can’t be happy, they can’t be clean and sober.

If a person is in such distress that they resort to continually numbing themselves, to the point of self-destruction, the alternative has to be better for them to want to change. This means living a heart-centered life. The path to recovery is a path toward meaning, toward purpose; toward fulfillment.

10. Get support for yourself.

If you are at a place where you’re looking for answers, addiction has likely taken a heavy toll on your family already. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to see a therapist yourself, or to attend mutual support meetings like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous.

If you have questions or need help, you can email me at tom@tomgentry.com.

No One Ever “Wants To” Get Sober

by Tom Gentry | Sep 9, 2024 | coaching, commentary, family, recovery

Lots of People Do It Anyway

“They have to want it.” As a recovering alcoholic and an addiction professional, I’ve heard this refrain more times than I care to consider. I used to say the words myself.

Conventional wisdom tells us that, for a person in active addiction to find recovery, he has to want it. It tells us that she could go to rehab, but unless she wants it, there is no reason to bother.

I’m here to tell you, it just isn’t true. A person can do something whether they want to do it or not.

I have been sober since 1996, but it is not because I wanted to stop drinking.

I was stopped.

I had to be stopped.

I did not want to stop. Had my family waited for me to want to stop drinking, rather than getting me into a treatment program, chances are I would still be drinking.

There is a saying in recovery circles, “most of us don’t get better because we see the light, but because we feel the heat.” Here is the Reader’s Digest version of how that concept applies to my path to recovery.

I was a 23-year-old kid, working full-time and still living with my parents. I reached a point where if I was not working, I was drinking. At the time I was a union carpenter, and there were weeks when I had no work. I was trashed all the time.

I was lying in bed all day, ingesting dangerous amounts of alcohol. My parents got sick of it. My mom and my sisters began maneuvering to get me into a treatment program.

One afternoon, after checking to see if I was still alive, my youngest sister got scared and called an ambulance. Eventually, I went to the hospital.

The hospital staff recommended that my parents not take me home, warning that I might slip into an alcoholic coma.

My blood alcohol content was .39. They wanted to admit me. I refused to stay.

This was when my dad made what must have been one of the most difficult decisions of his life.

Ready to get home and drink some more, I walked out of the hospital with my parents and hopped into the back seat of the car. My dad got in and turned the ignition. He left the engine running, got out, and went back inside the hospital, where he called the police.

Moments later, two officers pulled up next to us in a squad car. They stepped out, and one of them knocked on the window for me to open the door. He told me to get out of the car, handcuffed me, and arrested me for public intoxication.

I spent the night in jail, but I yielded to my family’s pleas and accepted help. By the end of the next day, I was in treatment, and I have been sober ever since.

I didn’t want to stop drinking, but I was in a lot of pain. I wanted the pain to stop. I didn’t really want help. I certainly didn’t want to go to rehab. But, by this time, my dad made it perfectly clear that I could not stay in his house and continue to live that way. Whether I went to treatment or not, I would be leaving.

Furthermore, he told me that, by God, I had better get my shit together. He made it understood that there would be no leaving this program and coming home.

I didn’t see the light. I felt the heat.

One of the most important things I got from treatment was a vision for a better life. To use another of those sayings we hear in recovery, “I got sober because I wanted a better life. I stayed sober because I got one.” Once I got the help I needed, my life quickly started getting better. But I could not have wanted it without treatment. How can you want something you can’t even envision?

Here is the truth about recovery and wanting it. No one aspires to be an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Nobody ever wants it.

Nobody ever wants to get sober. Nobody wants to be the person who should.

Nobody ever wants to go to rehab. Nobody ever wants to be the person who needs it.

Nobody ever wants to go through any of this.

It sucks.

It is true that at some point, for a person to achieve long-term recovery, they must be internally motivated to do so. Sooner or later, it must come from within. But most of the time, people are not internally motivated in the beginning of the process.

It is unreasonable to expect the person who needs help to want it.

If I work in a treatment facility (as I have), it is my job to help the person in front of me begin to want it.

It is my job to help them see why they should want it.

If I have a family member who needs help, it would be great for them to want it. But it is not necessary.

I should not expect them to want it.

Especially in this day and age, with all the lethal drugs of abuse to be found on the streets, my job is to help them get help.

I definitely should not wait for them to want it.

If I am a counselor who has a client struggling to maintain abstinence, for me to explain it to their family by saying “he doesn’t want it,” or “she doesn’t want it badly enough,” is a total cop out.

If I’m getting paid to help someone get sober, that usually means doing whatever I can to convince them why they should want it.

If the best I can do is say “they don’t want it,” I should probably find a different line of work.

Finally, I’ll leave you with one more saying to put a bow on this. I may or may not have heard it in a church basement.

Recovery isn’t for people who want it. It’s for people who do it.

3 Questions to Ask Addiction Treatment Providers

by Tom Gentry | Feb 2, 2024 | coaching, commentary, family, recovery

Some Things You Should Know Before Choosing a Treatment Program for Someone You Love

When a person finds him or herself calling an addiction treatment facility for someone in their family, they are in a fairly desperate place. The person of concern is not only wreaking havoc in their own life. They are creating an atmosphere of chaos and stress all around them. So, when you make that call, you’re vulnerable. You’re in distress. And, especially if you’ve never had any such experience before, you’re confused. The only question you might know to ask is “what do I do.”

Here are three questions you should ask. And, you should ask them before you make a commitment to do anything. Whoever is on the other end of the phone should be able to answer these clearly. If they can’t, ask to speak to someone who can or start looking somewhere else.

How is your facility funded?

This question pertains not only to the facility’s business model, but it’s operational philosophy. Not all, but most of the better addiction treatment facilities around the country are non-profit organizations.On day one of my orientation for the first job I had in the industry,I was walking between buildings, from one meeting to the next, with the woman who hired me. She grabbed me by the arm, stopped dead in her tracks, and looked straight into my eyes. “If you’re here to get rich,” she said, “go somewhere else. That’s not why we’re here. If you want to make a lot of money, sell cars. Become a real estate agent.”This is a very competitive business. If you’re really giving the clients the care, attention, and resources they need to heal, you’re not making money hand over fist.So, before you make a commitment to send a person to a particular facility, you should understand their business model. Know what you’re getting into.

What is the cash-pay price?

Whether or not the person needing help will be trying to use insurance benefits to fund their treatment, this is a very important question to ask. The person you’re talking to should be able to quickly give you a clear answer. If they give you any sort of answer that includes “it depends,” go somewhere else. That usually means “it depends how much money you have.” That’s not an acceptable answer. All legitimate treatment programs have an established cash pay price based on length of stay. Any discount that might be extended, or scholarship that might be offered, will generally be a percentage based on that price.

What levels of Care are you licensed to treat?

Legitimate treatment facilities have a formal screening and assessment process to determine the appropriate level of care for your loved one. From the perspective of the admissions department, they undertake this process to see whether they can or cannot treat the person. If they determine the person needs a higher level of care, the facility will generally refer them to a facility better equipped to help them.There are many implications to this question. It costs much more to operate a facility that is licensed for the residential level of care. It requires more staff, more documentation, more resources, etc. There are also zoning issues.Many insurance policies do not cover residential treatment at all. The highest level of care they may cover is partial hospitalization, which does not include boarding costs.Which level or levels of care a facility provides doesn’t make it good or bad. But, it is relevant in terms of quality of care. What really matters is that your family member goes someplace where they can get their needs met. Again, as with all these questions, the person on the phone should be able to give you a clear answer. If they can’t, that’s just not good enough.

These are some questions a person would want to ask in their initial conversations with the staff at an addiction treatment facility. There are many more. In my opinion, how these questions are answered is equally important to the answers.

If the person on the phone seems unsure or evasive, that should tell you something. Trust your gut.

Ideally, you would consult with an outside professional who can help you navigate this terrain objectively. No matter what their credentials, it should be someone who has substantial experience working with addiction. And, even those who do can be unaware of the breadth of resources available to your loved one. Don’t be afraid to talk to more than one person.